|Posted on June 7, 2012 at 3:35 PM|
I am so super excited to have this guest post from Marianne from Myomytv. Marianne is one of the co-founders of the https://www.facebook.com/GirlsGoneStrong" target="_blank">Girls Gone Strong Movement , mistress of the kettlebells :), a cardiac nurse and a kindred spirit. Although we have never met in person she has graciously agreed to write a guest post for me. The bulk of my own training has come from Myomytv.com and Marianne's philosophy on training, nutrition and life in general is one that I share and that inspires me every day. Please check out her post here and don't forget to leave her a comment and check out her site!!! This is a deeply personal post and I am honored that she has shared it here. Thanks again Marianne! xoxo
My Journey out of the Vortex
On my blog, I can get somewhat personal about certain things, but they often only require a skim of detail from my life. Today, however, I feel I need to open up in order to fully convey what stress, anxiety, negativity and neglect of your spiritual self can do to your life in a very short space of time. A major turning-point occurred for me just very recently and I can say that I am safely out of the “Vortex”, but this is after a year (or even more) of cascading events and emotional turmoil that sucked me down in the first place.
What now seems like an eternity ago, my life literally fell apart before my eyes, as the future I saw for myself died! My identity was brought into question, as I was no longer going to be a wife to the man I loved. My engagement was broken and I was, once again, on my own.
“What now?!” “Why me?” and “What if?” were questions that frequented my lips over the initial 3-4 months. I just couldn’t understand how this could happen, and all I could do was remember the good times, conveniently forgetting the bad, and the glaringly obvious fact that this was for the best!
Fast forward about 7 months and I thought I was feeling fine from the whole ordeal; I was succeeding at my career in fitness and I was making my own way in the world once more. However, all was not well underneath, as I held unresolved resentment and feelings of sadness over the loss of a life I used to long for.
Over the course of about 3 months I turned into a negative, moody, tired, and hopeless person, who wanted nothing but peace and quiet and a life of isolation. My anxiety over going to work increased 3 fold and I dreaded any social interactions. I even started to lag behind on my blogging. My training and diet took a side-step too, as I became disheartened by everything in life, and found everything to complain about. I became totally self-absorbed and felt nothing for other people – I simply didn’t care. My mood was up and down and I am sure my friends just LOVED spending time with me! Just as well I was “happier” alone!
One day, something snapped, and I picked up the phone and rang into work. I told them I would not be in that week. Basically, a week turned into 3 months as I began my decent from a vortex of near depression and deep bitterness about my life. Not many people knew what was going on, and I did not disclose the extent of my feelings to many people except my long-term friends and my mum. I was ashamed for taking all that time off work, and I felt guilty for being so selfish, yet I knew deep inside, that I NEEDED this time and I NEEDED to fix myself, or else I would never climb out of this vortex.
After trying counselling, and writing my feelings out, talking to friends about all my problems, I was still feeling weighed down by it all. I felt lonely and I just wanted to feel happy again; happy with myself, by myself! But how could I do this when all I could see and feel were problems and obstacles.
Throughout the duration of my struggles, I did have a glimmer of hope through a blossoming friendship with a kindred spirit far away. A hope that one day I would have the relationship I deserved and that I would be a better person in that relationship, because I was putting the time and effort into filling myself up with love, kindness and respect for myself. My “friend” served as a beautiful reminder that I could feel love again, and although we never dated, he became like a benchmark for all other characters to measure up against. I guess looking back this stopped me jumping into another relationship before I was ready. I now realize that without feeling good about yourself and feeling worthy, how can you possibly attract a partner who will treat you equally as well, if not better than you do yourself. Plus, you have to be willing and able to give yourself wholly to the relationship and be prepared to treat the other person the way they deserve too; with love, admiration, respect, affection, while being loyal to them and equally committed to the relationship.
As events unfolded I started reading several books that have changed my outlook on life and the way I see myself. It is amazing how these words have done what no other person could have done. In the quiet of my own company the words I read pierced deep into my soul and they drew out a person I never really knew. A person who saw only good things and felt uplifted and moved by the hope of life! I came to realize that every thought, every feeling I have, will manifest in my life. If I am always thinking about what I don’t want, what I hate, what stresses me out, those are the things I get more of! The same is true of things you love, things that make you feel good … you manifest more of these things too!
The reading list started with “Battlefield of the Mind” by Joyce Meyer, then a good friend recommended “The Secret” by Rhonda Byrne, that lead to me reading “The Power” and “The Magic” both by Rhonda Byrne, and then “The Science of Being Great” by Wallace Wattles. My latest book and the best to date is “The Secret Things of God” by Henry Cloud.
What these books have taught me is that I have the power to change “tone” of my life. It’s not the world that is at fault, it is my attitude to it. If I find and follow my bliss in life, then good things follow. I have also learned the importance of not living in the future (by wishing for more) – instead live in gratitude that you have enough NOW. Still have dreams and ambitions, but recognize that you have many things to be happy for right now, and more things will follow – it really is that simple! Do not waste time worrying, because there is a force greater than us Who has a plan and will take care of our every need, for the best! Letting go of trying to control everything is often a huge challenge (and still can be for me), but life goes so much smoother, when you let go, and have FAITH!
This journey has been a challenging one, but I am so grateful that I took the time to fill myself up with love, gratitude and faith. I never believed it was possible to feel so overwhelmed with feelings of happiness.
It is something that requires practice, but once you start seeing the positive effects this mind-set has on your life and your ability to impact on others, you do not want anything else.
My only wish is that everyone would get to experience this journey out of the vortex.
Now I have full faith that I will find that beautiful relationship, because I am attracting to me the things I love!