|Posted on April 10, 2013 at 12:05 PM|
When talking about stress management, I have learned (or at least I believe) that the majority of our stress stems from relationships.
Parents ~ Children ~ Siblings ~ in laws ~ friends ~ neighbors ~ co-workers ~ Teachers ~ Doctors/Nurses ~ clients ..... It's all about people and how we interact with them and how we perceive each other. And the difference between what is "sent" and what is "received".
- Mis-communication or total lack there of
- Un-met expectations
- Fears and Anxieties
- Anger and Resentment
All of these things affect us, whether we recognize it or not - and in the long run they affect our physical, mental and emotional well being.
I continue to be amazed every day as I work to untangle my history, in attempts to improve my future and that of my family. I love to learn about who I am, and why and how I have become that person. I am particularly intrigued by working on the things that don't work in my life/personality.
Ultimately, I think that those things that I do, say and believe that I do not like about myself, are such because they go against my true nature. While they are present almost daily in my habits, self talk and interactions with others, they do not reflect my true authentic self. Which is why they are so unsettling to me and that is what drives me to do and be better. I know that by improving on these things it will bring me closer to who I was created to be and that will bring even more joy into my life.
I recognize these negative traits are most often defense mechanisms from past hurts and currents fears.
I have issues like everyone else and the majority of them stem from the same few basic things not feeling good enough and not feeling accepted, liked or approved of.
So why is it that these things bother me, and have my whole life, while for others it is totally irrelevant and they go about their business not giving a poop about what others think? Where did these insecurities come from?
I don't have the answer.
I have developed some coping mechanisms but the truth is, these things still plague me from time to time too. I know that I am not alone.
There are a number of relationships in my life that create a great deal of emotional stress for me. Most of which I have little control over. But some of which I do, and as much as I want to change my reactions and behavior sometimes, it is hard. It is hard to have faith that those issues are just lies. Lies that stem from a child's mind and a child's reactions.
I have disconnected myself from many people in my life, because sometimes I feel that the pain of being lonely and missing them is much easier to bear than the pain of rejection or the feeling of having disappointed them.
While at the same time, others have disconnected from me, by their own choice, which can be unbearable at times. And yet still, I hang on to the hope that they will someday "come around" and love and accept me without condition. Yet for much of my life, I did not believe that unconditional love really existed.
I believed that some people loved you because they were supposed to love you, according to society and its rules. And this belief has caused me much pain through the years.
There was one person in particular who I so wanted to be close to. But the feeling was never mutual. Even when there was a breakthrough in the relationship, I would do something to screw it up, proving my theory that no one could love me for me. And while this person was never really kind to me and never really truly deserved to have the best of me, something in side of me STILL longed for their approval and their friendship. And to this day it still does. I still reach out. I still make contact. I still write letters, emails, Facebook messages. Yet with each day that passes I wonder why.... why do I continue to punish myself with their rejection?
But each day, I also get a little bit stronger and a little bit closer to my true self. The Me who knows deep down that no matter what anyone on this earth thinks of me, I only have one who's opinion really matters. The Me who knows that I am loved 100% unconditionally, although it may not be by those who I want it from the most. And some days it's two steps forward, one step back.
I often pray that someday I can just throw out these old beliefs and allow those who want to love me to do so fully.
I have some incredible people in my life who I just can not let in. It scares me. But it also makes me sad because it is something that I so desperately want and need. I pray that they can be patient and understand and forgive me when I get angry and frustrated with them. Their love and acceptance, as much as I want it, is too overwhelming for me. It is claustrophobic and at times simply a reminder of what is lacking from others in my life.
But the relationships in my life that challenge me the most
are the ones that have taught me the most about myself,
and have allowed me to grow the most, especially in my faith.
And for that I am grateful.